walking on eggshells

her mind bends around itself until sincerity breaks.  this is the reason behind why she cannot sleep at night.  settling into her old routine has ceased to produce fruit.  her mind can no longer contain the thoughts she holds inside and her words come out like fire, twisting trindles of light that capture the real and put away the false.  every attempt to hold it in is vanquished in one lick from the flame.  life was not supposed to be like this, she says over and over and over again in her head...but sincerity has been broken and she is not sure how she really feels or what she thinks anymore.

they never say the right thing anymore and even if they did, it would not register.  

chapel in the blue zone

this area is in the top five blue zones in the world.  people here live longer than most every place else on the face of the earth.  research, religious or otherwise inclined, has been conducted in an attempt to understand this phenomenon.  how ironic it is that a talk was given this morning about the statistics of suicide.  it is the 3rd leading killer of adolescents.  i have heard that women are more prone to suicidal tendencies, but that men are the ones who more often follow through with their ideas.

in interview fashion, three people up front discussed suicide and how closely it was linked to them.  both men struggled with suicidal thoughts in their early and/or late adolescence and gave advice on how to relate to friends who might have similar thoughts.  they shared their knowledge with the psychiatrist who sat with them and hosted the interview.  

the stories were fascinating to me and made me really think about my role as a friend, confidant, and companion of the people in my life - including my family, my friends, and even acquaintances.  we were not meant to go through this world alone.  we have been given the responsibility to look after each other and have each other's best interest at heart.  

the men explained that what they wanted/needed the most was someone to just go through their experience with them - to sit down with them and validate how they were feeling.  not to tell them that their feelings were bad, wrong, or crazy.  they needed someone to be willing to be uncomfortable with the insurmountable feeling of worthlessness - the feelings that life was not worth living anymore.  someone who could "sit down and shut up".  their adamant thoughts on this topic made me think about what i would want if i was going through a similar situation.  and then i realized that i have gone through something similar.  even though i am not really sure what i would have wanted or needed if given the choice, i was aware of how uncomfortable it can be to be in the presence of someone who wants to end their life...especially if your life experience has not led you to feel this way at all.  

the blood that fills my soul

so here's how my heart has been working recently:  it takes in blood, drowns every square inch...and then the blood gushes out to all parts of the body - keeping me alive.  and it does it again.  and again.  and again.  and again.  and I never run out of blood.  or oxygen.  or air.  or peace.  maybe not peace.  i feel it now, but lately, it has been absent.  i have run out of peace - once.  or twice.  or maybe three times, because that's a charm.  but never blood.  or oxygen.  or air.  except that one time.  in the pool.  a long time ago.  when i was little.  i was having a contest with my sisters, seeing who could hold their breath the longest.  i was the youngest.  i lost.  but i have never been so happy to breathe again in my life.  peace is like that.  when it doesn't reveal itself, i kind of feel like i have run out of air - of oxygen.  and when it finally breaks through and fills my soul, it gushes outward and i have never been so happy to feel it.

peace.

a world i do not know

"...they enter a forest path leading to a world I do not know and perhaps will never understand." -Ryszard Kapuszcinski (The Cobra's Heart)
she stared at the pane of glass which held her safely inside and sighed.  touching a cheek to the cold surface, she wrapped her arms around her middle and sighed again.  night was falling and she was tired. so tired.  exhausted, really.  she felt like she had been running for days without end, weeks with no relief. her heart was tired of providing her with enough oxygen - it pressed inside her, up against her rib cage and then receded deeper inside her.  out and in.  in and out.  thump. thump. thumpthump.  her breath came in hiccups and made her heart pound faster.  whatever happened, she knew she would always have his love.  always.  the surety made her heart slow and then deaden to a normal rate.  she flattened her right hand against the glass, enjoying the feel of the coolness seeping into her fingers, underneath the prints she made on the pane, and deeper still.  yes, she would always have his love.  no matter what happened...  

sleeping through the night

she slipped through the open door stealthily, making not a sound.  no words passed across her lips and she liked it that way.  she held her arms tightly across her chest as she looked up into the night sky and began to count.  One, two, three...ten, eleven...twenty...  she paused in counting and glanced around her.  sighing, feeling a giggle rise up from inside, she continued.  twenty-one, twenty-two...forty-seven, forty-eight... she paused again and uncrossed her arms, placing one hand on her hip and the other she left dangling at her side.  a couple minutes passed and she found herself slowly kneeling on the ground, her movements deft, her eyes tightly shut.  the night surrounded her and she breathed.  in...out...in...out...  her breathing was slow, faint, but she felt very much alive.  water began forming in small collections at the corners of her eyes, next to her nose, and she forced her eyes open.  once again glancing around her, she reached a hand up to brush a stray hair from off her forehead.  she smiled and the tears came.  she couldn't explain her feelings out loud.  all she knew is how her heart felt - how it beat inside her so awkwardly, quickly, even though her breaths were labored.  how she adored living, but felt like dying.  how her feelings had somehow encapsulated her thoughts and now she could no longer replace them with conscious ones - with ones that actually made any sense to her at all.  she felt as though she did not actually exist, moving as if on clouds from one moment to the next, wondering if she had ever really lived at all.  she didn't think anymore - instead, she felt.  she felt the air, the slight breeze, the coolness of the night.  she felt comfort of someone loving her, the peace his love brought her, the warmth of his hand on hers.  her thoughts, however, had been misplaced.  they were void.  empty.  useless inside of her.  she could only feel.  and feel she did.  she felt the wonder of new life growing inside her, she felt the thumping of their hearts entwining and creating a sweet, sweet melody, she felt her throat burn with the ache of a thousand cries and a thousand laughs.  peering up at the skyscape above her, she sighed once more.  she couldn't explain when or why this happened.  all she knew is that it did.  over the past few months, she had spent many tears thinking about it.  tears from laughing.  tears from crying.  and now, at the brink of despair, she shut her brain off and forced herself to feel.  she felt the tightness in her chest give way, her closed fists loosen, her heart began beating...and she began to feel.

she began sleeping through the night, waking only to count the stars.