sleeping through the night

she slipped through the open door stealthily, making not a sound.  no words passed across her lips and she liked it that way.  she held her arms tightly across her chest as she looked up into the night sky and began to count.  One, two, three...ten, eleven...twenty...  she paused in counting and glanced around her.  sighing, feeling a giggle rise up from inside, she continued.  twenty-one, twenty-two...forty-seven, forty-eight... she paused again and uncrossed her arms, placing one hand on her hip and the other she left dangling at her side.  a couple minutes passed and she found herself slowly kneeling on the ground, her movements deft, her eyes tightly shut.  the night surrounded her and she breathed.  in...out...in...out...  her breathing was slow, faint, but she felt very much alive.  water began forming in small collections at the corners of her eyes, next to her nose, and she forced her eyes open.  once again glancing around her, she reached a hand up to brush a stray hair from off her forehead.  she smiled and the tears came.  she couldn't explain her feelings out loud.  all she knew is how her heart felt - how it beat inside her so awkwardly, quickly, even though her breaths were labored.  how she adored living, but felt like dying.  how her feelings had somehow encapsulated her thoughts and now she could no longer replace them with conscious ones - with ones that actually made any sense to her at all.  she felt as though she did not actually exist, moving as if on clouds from one moment to the next, wondering if she had ever really lived at all.  she didn't think anymore - instead, she felt.  she felt the air, the slight breeze, the coolness of the night.  she felt comfort of someone loving her, the peace his love brought her, the warmth of his hand on hers.  her thoughts, however, had been misplaced.  they were void.  empty.  useless inside of her.  she could only feel.  and feel she did.  she felt the wonder of new life growing inside her, she felt the thumping of their hearts entwining and creating a sweet, sweet melody, she felt her throat burn with the ache of a thousand cries and a thousand laughs.  peering up at the skyscape above her, she sighed once more.  she couldn't explain when or why this happened.  all she knew is that it did.  over the past few months, she had spent many tears thinking about it.  tears from laughing.  tears from crying.  and now, at the brink of despair, she shut her brain off and forced herself to feel.  she felt the tightness in her chest give way, her closed fists loosen, her heart began beating...and she began to feel.

she began sleeping through the night, waking only to count the stars.