disclosed

what went on in my head is indescribable.  

the thoughts battering and clanging like a crazed convict yearning to be set free from the prison.  i made a list in my head about all the things that could go wrong, that should have gone wrong, that will go wrong, but i forgot about all the things that could go right, that should have gone right, that will go right.  and so, i slept.  and woke.  slept.  woke.  and the cymbals continued reverberating until i could bear it no longer and fell victim to the never-ending cacophony in my head.   the sounds rose and beat against my eardrum, against my forehead, against my heart (how'd they get down there?), until all was silent.  

i left the world of cement and painted lines on asphalt too hot to touch - the world of stoplights, street signs, traffic, and stench - the world of earthquakes and news stories telling of pain - i left that world.  

and entered a new one.  

i stepped into the world of grass and painted daisies rising from the rain-quenched earth - the world of fireflies, giant trees, bugs, and fresh spring - the world of thunderstorms and beautiful stories telling of love - i stepped into that world.  

and inhaled. 

filling my lungs with refreshing air i so desperately needed.  filling my hands with droplets of water straight from the stream.  filling my ears with the brushings of tree against tree, leaf against leaf.  filling my eyes with visions of brightly-colored butterflies and the black and yellow stripes of bees.  filling my mind with thoughts renewed.  

and exhaled.  

thethoughtscamerushing.  screaming.  scampering.  sliding over crevices and mounds of long-forgotten words of hope.  thethoughtscamerushing.  rolling.  racing.  residual effects of life gone wrong...or just different.  thethoughtscamerushing.  bouncing.  bending.  breaking my heart.  

my heart. 

scattered.   

shards. 

slivers.  

slices. 

and all was still.  

except my heart. 

my heart.  

two butterflies danced in the sunlight.  (thump)

a yellow orchid blew softly in the cool breeze.  (thump)

a little child's voice longing to be heard.  (thump thump)

the crying of the lost.  (thump thump thumpthump )

i inhaled. why this dichotomy?  why the confusion?  i either know or i don't.  i decide or i decide not to-no choosing in between...nothing's there.  the fence will always be in the middle and if i choose to sit on it...and wait...i've made my decision.  one of the choices will come to pass.  i exhaled.  

life isn't always greener on the other side.  

maybe it's greener....right where i am.